Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly, wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Coffee & Men?
Food Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2008
by Maggie Nemser
Shine staff, on Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:53pm PDT
I’ve heard that a guy’s relationship with his mother is legitimately judge-able, but what about his choice of coffee? I hadn't considered that variable until my phone rang three times last night. It was my friend Julie, who was dying to share an epiphany that will revolutionize dating as we know it: "Hot guys drink Americanos (hot water + espresso),” she proudly announced, sounding like she’d suddenly solved for "y" after failing Math 101.
I wasn't convinced. I mean, can't a confident man have his latte and drink it too? But I know better than to second-guess Julie, who has scary insight on the male psyche. I started to ponder the boys I know and their coffee choices and it all started to come together. Doesn’t it make sense that a soy iced latte drinker would be self-involved, precise when it comes to his likes and dislikes and make a good lover?
Based on Julie’s not-so-scientific research (her observation tower was the Starbucks in Santa Monica on Main Street) and my own experience with caffeinated dudes, here’s a little field guide to boys and beans:
Cafe Americano - 100% stud. Hot, often a bit scruffy. Can change your tire with one hand and eyes closed.
Caramel macchiato - He'll take you to the Hamptons and spend two hours getting ready to go to the beach.
Café Au Lait - He’s fresh off the boat from Europe. We do lattes here, monsieur.
Coffee of the Week - You'd be hard pressed to get this guy to have an opinion.
Decaf Coffee of the Week - He probably wears a helmet and seatbelt to bed—sexy!
Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte - Sheesh, we ladies have enough to worry about with our own body issues—who needs this?
Decaf Iced Sugar-Free Syrup Flavored Latte - Holy cow—chill out! This dude might need some anti-anxiety medication, if he doesn’t already have a prescription.
Julie had to stop researching after her third frappuccino. What kind of guy orders chai?
by Maggie Nemser
Shine staff, on Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:53pm PDT
I’ve heard that a guy’s relationship with his mother is legitimately judge-able, but what about his choice of coffee? I hadn't considered that variable until my phone rang three times last night. It was my friend Julie, who was dying to share an epiphany that will revolutionize dating as we know it: "Hot guys drink Americanos (hot water + espresso),” she proudly announced, sounding like she’d suddenly solved for "y" after failing Math 101.
I wasn't convinced. I mean, can't a confident man have his latte and drink it too? But I know better than to second-guess Julie, who has scary insight on the male psyche. I started to ponder the boys I know and their coffee choices and it all started to come together. Doesn’t it make sense that a soy iced latte drinker would be self-involved, precise when it comes to his likes and dislikes and make a good lover?
Based on Julie’s not-so-scientific research (her observation tower was the Starbucks in Santa Monica on Main Street) and my own experience with caffeinated dudes, here’s a little field guide to boys and beans:
Cafe Americano - 100% stud. Hot, often a bit scruffy. Can change your tire with one hand and eyes closed.
Caramel macchiato - He'll take you to the Hamptons and spend two hours getting ready to go to the beach.
Café Au Lait - He’s fresh off the boat from Europe. We do lattes here, monsieur.
Coffee of the Week - You'd be hard pressed to get this guy to have an opinion.
Decaf Coffee of the Week - He probably wears a helmet and seatbelt to bed—sexy!
Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte - Sheesh, we ladies have enough to worry about with our own body issues—who needs this?
Decaf Iced Sugar-Free Syrup Flavored Latte - Holy cow—chill out! This dude might need some anti-anxiety medication, if he doesn’t already have a prescription.
Julie had to stop researching after her third frappuccino. What kind of guy orders chai?
Believe It Or Not!
Random facts about everything and anything
A cockroach can live for up to 9 days without his head but it will eventually die due to starvation.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
All polar bears are left handed.
Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza everyday.
Babies do not have kneecaps when they are born. They grow when they are about 6-7 years old.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
There are more people who speak English who live in China than there are in USA.
If the whole population of China walked past you in single file the line would never end. This is because the birth rate in China is so high that whilst everyone is walking past, so many more people are being born.
If you fart consistently for six years and nine months you let out enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed by plane crashes.
A cockroach can live for up to 9 days without his head but it will eventually die due to starvation.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
All polar bears are left handed.
Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza everyday.
Babies do not have kneecaps when they are born. They grow when they are about 6-7 years old.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
There are more people who speak English who live in China than there are in USA.
If the whole population of China walked past you in single file the line would never end. This is because the birth rate in China is so high that whilst everyone is walking past, so many more people are being born.
If you fart consistently for six years and nine months you let out enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed by plane crashes.
Don't get Sick!!!
Six Diseases You Don’t Want
By: Natalie Josef
I’ve had friends and family with diseases like cancer, lupus, bipolar, and diabetes, but I’ve never known anyone with a disease I could laugh at. They say laughter is the best medicine; that’s good news for the sufferers of these diseases.
1) Maple Syrup Urine Disease (MSUD)
To answer your question, yes, your pee does smell like maple syrup. Other symptoms include lethargy, coma, avoiding food, and mental retardation. If left untreated, this disease can kill you and would make for an embarrassing obituary.
This disease is a metabolism disorder that makes the body incapable of breaking down particular proteins. Studies conducted since 1979 (Georgia) show that MSUD affects approximately 1 in every 120,000 live births and occurs in all ethnic groups worldwide. It’s genetic, so if your pee that smells like it could be poured over waffles, get to the hospital—stat!
2) Exploding Head Syndrome
I’m sure many of you get the same mental image I do when reading the name of this disease. It’s actually not that funny of a disease, but I couldn’t resist that name. Well, it’s kinda funny … the sufferer of Exploding Head Syndrome experiences a sudden loud noise in his head, either right before falling asleep or in the middle of sleep. It’s like an explosion (or cymbal crash) in your brain, but there’s no pain involved and no one else hears it (that’s got to be a lonely feeling).
A report by a British physician in 1988 might be the first description of exploding head syndrome. The good news is that doctors emphasize its benign nature—yeah, it’s traumatizing and can feel like a stroke, but it won’t really hurt you. Don’t get too stressed out—anxiety might trigger it, as can extreme fatigue. Also, women get it more than men.
3) Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder
This oddly named disease occurs due to a genetic mutation that prevents “exciting” signals in the nervous system from being regulated. It was first discovered in 1878 in a French-Canadian lumberjack population in the Moosehead Lake area of Maine.
A person with this disorder will startle easily and have an exaggerated response to the stimulus; for example, the person might “jump,” cry out, flail his limbs, twitch, or convulse. Another bonus to this disorder is that the patient has an automatic reflex to obey any order as soon as it’s delivered. If you told a sufferer to hit his brother, he would do so without hesitation. Additionally, he will verbally repeat the command over and over again while wailing on his brother … must hit brother, must hit brother, must hit brother …
One theory about the cause of this disorder is that it was a result of inbreeding. So, like, stop doing your sister. Jeez.
4) Fatal Familial Insomnia (Die Because I Can’t Sleep Disease)
The main symptom of this disease is the inability to sleep, though we’re not talking about a few sleepless nights. This is a complete inability to sleep that results in death. Other symptoms are loss of coordination, high blood pressure, excessive sweating, and coma. The disease does not show symptoms until patients are middle-aged. The best part is that your mind never deteriorates, so you’re perfectly aware of the fact that you’re dying until that coma kicks in. Good times!
FFI is one of a handful of prion-mediated diseases; prions are proteinaceous infectious particles lacking nucleic acid. Prions break all the rules regarding biological life forms and set up camp in the brain, causing holes to form, which speeds up dementia and death. Another prion-mediated disease is Mad Cow. But don’t worry, FFI has occurred in only twenty-eight families worldwide.
5) Koro Syndrome (Shrinking Penis Syndrome)
Koro is just your garden-variety genital retraction syndrome, i.e. the pathological fear that your genitals are shrinking into the body. Literally, it means that a guy fears his unit will be sucked into his body, resulting in death. There are no documented cases of actual penis shrinkage, though some sufferers hurt themselves frantically trying to stretch the penis. Treatment is informing patients that penile retraction is impossible.
GRS is similar to a panic attack, with sexual elaborations. In a culture with high sexual anxiety, a man could panic at the normal shrinkage due to cold or anxiety. Just don’t live anywhere but in the Western Hemisphere; it mostly occurs in Asia and Africa. Also, avoid witchcraft, sexual relations with prostitutes, masturbation, and food poisoning—I know it’s hard, but use some self control.
6) ABCD Disease (Easy As 1-2-3)
ABCD Syndrome is the acronym for albinism, black lock, cell migration disorder of the neurocytes of the gut, and sensorineural deafness. In other words, a person with this disease is a deaf albino with a lock of black hair who suffers from intestinal abnormalities—that’s quite the combination. Does it make anyone else think of Marilyn Manson?
ABCD Disease is extremely rare; there are only about 200,000 cases in the U.S. Just try not to be born to a parent who has a homozygous nonsense mutation in exon 3 (R201X) of the EDNRB gene … oh, and gargle with salt water.
They say that people have a higher likelihood of beating a serious disease if they laugh, so go ahead and get it out—you never know when you might be stricken with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. (Yes, it’s real, look it up!)
First published April 2008
By: Natalie Josef
I’ve had friends and family with diseases like cancer, lupus, bipolar, and diabetes, but I’ve never known anyone with a disease I could laugh at. They say laughter is the best medicine; that’s good news for the sufferers of these diseases.
1) Maple Syrup Urine Disease (MSUD)
To answer your question, yes, your pee does smell like maple syrup. Other symptoms include lethargy, coma, avoiding food, and mental retardation. If left untreated, this disease can kill you and would make for an embarrassing obituary.
This disease is a metabolism disorder that makes the body incapable of breaking down particular proteins. Studies conducted since 1979 (Georgia) show that MSUD affects approximately 1 in every 120,000 live births and occurs in all ethnic groups worldwide. It’s genetic, so if your pee that smells like it could be poured over waffles, get to the hospital—stat!
2) Exploding Head Syndrome
I’m sure many of you get the same mental image I do when reading the name of this disease. It’s actually not that funny of a disease, but I couldn’t resist that name. Well, it’s kinda funny … the sufferer of Exploding Head Syndrome experiences a sudden loud noise in his head, either right before falling asleep or in the middle of sleep. It’s like an explosion (or cymbal crash) in your brain, but there’s no pain involved and no one else hears it (that’s got to be a lonely feeling).
A report by a British physician in 1988 might be the first description of exploding head syndrome. The good news is that doctors emphasize its benign nature—yeah, it’s traumatizing and can feel like a stroke, but it won’t really hurt you. Don’t get too stressed out—anxiety might trigger it, as can extreme fatigue. Also, women get it more than men.
3) Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder
This oddly named disease occurs due to a genetic mutation that prevents “exciting” signals in the nervous system from being regulated. It was first discovered in 1878 in a French-Canadian lumberjack population in the Moosehead Lake area of Maine.
A person with this disorder will startle easily and have an exaggerated response to the stimulus; for example, the person might “jump,” cry out, flail his limbs, twitch, or convulse. Another bonus to this disorder is that the patient has an automatic reflex to obey any order as soon as it’s delivered. If you told a sufferer to hit his brother, he would do so without hesitation. Additionally, he will verbally repeat the command over and over again while wailing on his brother … must hit brother, must hit brother, must hit brother …
One theory about the cause of this disorder is that it was a result of inbreeding. So, like, stop doing your sister. Jeez.
4) Fatal Familial Insomnia (Die Because I Can’t Sleep Disease)
The main symptom of this disease is the inability to sleep, though we’re not talking about a few sleepless nights. This is a complete inability to sleep that results in death. Other symptoms are loss of coordination, high blood pressure, excessive sweating, and coma. The disease does not show symptoms until patients are middle-aged. The best part is that your mind never deteriorates, so you’re perfectly aware of the fact that you’re dying until that coma kicks in. Good times!
FFI is one of a handful of prion-mediated diseases; prions are proteinaceous infectious particles lacking nucleic acid. Prions break all the rules regarding biological life forms and set up camp in the brain, causing holes to form, which speeds up dementia and death. Another prion-mediated disease is Mad Cow. But don’t worry, FFI has occurred in only twenty-eight families worldwide.
5) Koro Syndrome (Shrinking Penis Syndrome)
Koro is just your garden-variety genital retraction syndrome, i.e. the pathological fear that your genitals are shrinking into the body. Literally, it means that a guy fears his unit will be sucked into his body, resulting in death. There are no documented cases of actual penis shrinkage, though some sufferers hurt themselves frantically trying to stretch the penis. Treatment is informing patients that penile retraction is impossible.
GRS is similar to a panic attack, with sexual elaborations. In a culture with high sexual anxiety, a man could panic at the normal shrinkage due to cold or anxiety. Just don’t live anywhere but in the Western Hemisphere; it mostly occurs in Asia and Africa. Also, avoid witchcraft, sexual relations with prostitutes, masturbation, and food poisoning—I know it’s hard, but use some self control.
6) ABCD Disease (Easy As 1-2-3)
ABCD Syndrome is the acronym for albinism, black lock, cell migration disorder of the neurocytes of the gut, and sensorineural deafness. In other words, a person with this disease is a deaf albino with a lock of black hair who suffers from intestinal abnormalities—that’s quite the combination. Does it make anyone else think of Marilyn Manson?
ABCD Disease is extremely rare; there are only about 200,000 cases in the U.S. Just try not to be born to a parent who has a homozygous nonsense mutation in exon 3 (R201X) of the EDNRB gene … oh, and gargle with salt water.
They say that people have a higher likelihood of beating a serious disease if they laugh, so go ahead and get it out—you never know when you might be stricken with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. (Yes, it’s real, look it up!)
First published April 2008
A Feather in your Hat
Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on a pony
He stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni
A "macaroni", in mid-18th-century, was a fashionable person; the
joke being that the Yankees believed that a feather in the hat
was sufficient to make them the height of fashion.
A-riding on a pony
He stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni
A "macaroni", in mid-18th-century, was a fashionable person; the
joke being that the Yankees believed that a feather in the hat
was sufficient to make them the height of fashion.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Why we love & hate dentists
Steve got his last two bottom teeth yanked and got his new denture. No more "chickmunk" for him! Thought you might enjoy some before and after photos:
If you have any respect for my life whatsoever, you might not want to tell him this is on my blog!!!
If you have any respect for my life whatsoever, you might not want to tell him this is on my blog!!!
Annie's Departure
The airport shuttle picked up Annie early Monday a.m. -- we said our farewells and went back to bed. For a little woman, Annie snores even worse than Slug! It was so peaceful and I slept until one in the afternoon! It was great fun having her here and we were very active there for a whole week! Now it's back to my old blogging and I'll try to throw in a few pictures every now and then.
Beanie already looks more relaxed with no aliens in the house!
How to Avoid Housecleaning!
Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle...
if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
What a great idea!!!
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle...
if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
What a great idea!!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Back at the Flea
Annie wanted to go back and finish what we missed of USA Flea Market on Friday, so that's where we went today. She stopped at every place that sold jewelry and got some neat earrings and also a purse (she only has about 40 of them). I also got some earrings (of course) and Steve got a dragon (he thinks everyone should have at least ONE).
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We came home and played some more SkipBo (today she called it Stucco) -- she reminds me of Gramma Austin sometimes with her choice of words when she can't remember something. She told Steve he looks like a "chickmunk" with his lack of teeth, right before she got a call on her "cellar" phone! She also refers to our totem pole as a "token" pole...
We also picked up some more eggplant so she could make it for us tonight. It was terrific! I will miss her excellent cooking!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Fine Arts in Pasco County
Annie, Steve and I went to the Suncoast Fine Arts Festival in Trinity today. Seemed like we had to park the car in the South Forty it was so far away from the actual event. It was 86 degrees and pretty hot in the sun, but we had a good time anyway.
We saw some really unique artwork, although the prices were a bit steep for us. Annie bought a pair of earrings (she has a worse earring condition than me!) while I took pictures.
Played SkipBo when we got home and I am continuing my three-day winning streak!!! Later on, neighbor Brent stopped by with his daughter, Hyler, and asked if we'd mind keeping an eye on her while he ran to the supermarket. She's a delightful handful and we made a date to make chocolate chip cookies next Saturday after her horse-riding lesson. Steve put his old handcuffs on us and took our photo.
Attitude
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than the facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company; a church; a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...We are in charge of our attitudes." (Charles Swindoll)
Friday, April 25, 2008
Lazy Day
Annie took off again this morning before I got up and came home later with bagels from Dunkin' Donuts. She spent much of the day making a huge pot of what she calls "gravy" and what I call spaghetti sauce. We had ravioli for supper with her sauce and it was great!
We played cards while the sauce was cooking, and Steve worked on the Native American hatchet he made from a slab of slate he found outside, and a tree branch. We watched some TV tonight and I took her to Big Lots since they don't have one in Queens.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Buffets and Beaches
Annie was up and gone long before me today. She walked all the way to KMart (not a short walk at all) and then called and asked us to meet her at the Chinese restaurant for lunch. We feasted on an all-you-can-eat buffet. I particularly enjoyed mass quantities of Crab Rangoon, one of my favorite eats.
Then it was off to our local beach, less than 10 minutes from our apartment. I don't even own a swimsuit that fits, so I just wore shorts and a shirt. (The truth is that I have a suit from when I was thin, but not for my more voluptuous current self.) The water was pretty cold, so mostly Annie slept on a blanket while Steve and I waded in the water.
>
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Spooky Green Stuff
Annie spent her morning today out on the dock getting a bit of sun, and came back in with a red tinge to her skin.
This afternoon she made escarole, a spooky green spinach-like vegetable. She first cut up whole garlic and fried it in butter, then added chick peas (garbanzo beans) and chicken broth and cooked the daylights out of the escarole until it was reduced to wilted leaves. She and Steve oohed and aahed about how great it was -- I tasted it, but I've never been one to like wilted green stuff in broth. JJ stopped by this afternoon and you'd have thought he was offered a winning lottery ticket when he was given escarole! Maybe you have to be Italian to appreciate it.
Annie modeled her new shirt from the flea market today -- I got one for Mom too with hummingbirds on it. You pick the color of the shirt and then the pattern, and they put it together while you shop.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Dead Birds & Full Tummies
Today I roasted a big fat turkey, and Annie made her special stuffing. It turned out great and we feasted like pigs. I also brought a plate of everything over to our neighbor and his daughter since he rarely cooks, and they really appreciate home cooking.
Here's Annie after eating the turkey dinner:
Steve got the last installment of his birthday present -- a replica of The Invisible Man from the movie of the same name. He spent most of the day making a cane for it and cursing all the while.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Food & Fun
Today was Steve's 56th birthday and his mom, Annie, made us all eggplant parmagiana. I tried this once many years ago, but didn't especially like it, but when Annie made it, it was delicious! The only problem was that I had planned on taking a picture of the finished product, but it was consumed so quickly that I didn't get a chance!
Our dearest friend, Brant, came by for awhile but didn't stay long since he wasn't feeling good. We chilled out and played SkipBo which I lost, and Rummy which I won. A nice, lazy day for a birthday!
I got Steve a talking Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" which is his favorite character. Isn't Gollum just a hunk?
More on Perspective
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Back at the Ranch
Back home, we had a SkipBo (Annie calls it either Schizo or SkipGo) marathon which I, of course, won, and ten hands of Rummy which she won. We're all totally pooped out -- Steve made a delicious shrimp dinner with garlic bread, and now it's take to hit the proverbial sack.
This is the wood-carved totem pole Steve bought for $20 "for the room".
This is the wood-carved totem pole Steve bought for $20 "for the room".
Fun With Fleas 2
As always, I love it when we find someone who sells hats. Steve actually bought the cowboy hat he's wearing "for the Southwest/West room". Every time he found something, he told his mother it was "for the room" and not for himself. That's become a big joke now, and when I stopped to get some produce on the way home, she asked me if the produce was "for the room". 
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