Friday, February 27, 2009

The Visitor from the North

Steve's mom, Annie, arrived on Tuesday evening having almost missed her flight due to her hearing loss. She forgot her hearing aids at home when she set them on her kitchen table to change the battery and left them there! You can bet there's some loud chatting going on here!

We spent Wednesday morning squeezing oranges and grapefruits for fresh juice -- it was terrific! Steve and Annie "took the sun" as they call it.

Monday, February 23, 2009

12 Oddly Specific Museums Preserving Our History

by Laurel Mills & Allison Keene

1. The SPAM® Museum

If the on-site “wall of SPAM” is any indication, a tour through the SPAM Museum in Austin, Minnesota, is guaranteed fun for the whole canned-pork-loving family. SPAM’s parent company, Hormel Foods, opened the establishment in 2001 to the tune of almost 5,000 cans of SPAM. One of the main attractions is a scale model of a SPAM plant, where visitors can don white coats and hairnets while pretending to produce America’s favorite tinned meat.

2. National Museum of Funeral History

It’s pretty hard to argue with the motto “Any Day Above Ground is a Good One.” So goes the backhanded optimism of the National Museum of Funeral History, a Houston facility that opened in 1992. Visitors are treated to exhibits that include a Civil War embalming display and a replica of a turn-of-the-century casket factory. In addition, the museum boasts an exhibit of “fantasy coffins” designed by Ghanaian artist Kane Quaye. These moribund masterpieces include a casket shaped like a chicken, a Mercedes-Benz, a shallot, and an outboard motor. According to Quaye, his creations are based on the dreams and last wishes of his clients, which—let’s be honest—really makes you wonder about the guy buried in the shallot.

3. The Hobo Museum

If you’re bumming around but looking for a good time, be sure to take a load off in Britt, Iowa, at The Hobo Museum, which details the history and culture of tramps. Bear in mind, though, that the museum kind of, well, slacks on hours and is only open to the public during the annual Hobo Convention. Luckily, tours can be arranged by appointment any time of year. Of course, if you’re interested in the Hobo Convention, lodging is available all over the area, but it’s a safe bet that most of your compatriots will be resting their floppy hats at the “hobo jungle,” located by the railroad tracks. Both the event and the museum are operated by the Hobo Foundation, which—incidentally—also oversees the nearby Hobo Cemetery, where those who have “caught the westbound” are laid to rest.

4. Cook’s Natural Science Museum

What began as a training facility for Cook’s Pest Control exterminators blossomed into one of the few museums in the country willing to tell the tale of the pest. At Cook’s Natural Science Museum in Decatur, Alabama, visitors can learn everything they ever wanted to know about rats, cockroaches, mice, spiders, and termites … all for free. And while most people would rather step on the live specimens than learn about them, museum exhibits such as the crowd-pleasing Pest of the Month keep reeling in patrons.

5. Burlingame Museum of PEZ Memorabilia

On the West Coast lies the Burlingame Museum of PEZ Memorabilia, home of the World’s Largest PEZ dispenser and a whole bunch more. Most everyone is familiar with PEZ, a pretty ubiquitous pop culture touchstone, but did you know that PEZ was originally marketed as an adult mint for people trying to quit smoking?

6. The Barbed Wire Museum

The Barbed Wire Museum in McLean, Texas, comes complete with a reading list for those who want to know more about the history of this apparently fascinating fencing. Also known as the “Devil’s Rope,” it came into being by way of a mutated coffee bean grinder (which made the barbs) and a hand-cranked grindstone device (that twisted the wires together). Just like Mama used to make, right?

7. The Conspiracy Museum

There’s more than one theory about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, so why not have more than one museum devoted to it as well? Most JFK buffs are familiar with the Sixth Floor Museum housed in the former Texas School Book Depository, which recounts all those boring “mainstream” details of the late president’s life leading up to his death at the hands of Lee Harvey Oswald. But just down the street, the Conspiracy Museum offers fodder for those less apt to buy into The Man’s propaganda. For the most part, the museum specializes in showings of the Zapruder film and explanations of contrary assassination theories, including other gunmen on the grassy knoll and possible mafia involvement.

8. The Museum of Bad Art

Founded in 1993, The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA) in Boston is “a community-based, private institution dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms and in all its glory.” The art featured on the site is not of the middle-school drivel variety; rather, the pieces seem to be the product of people who think that if they light candles and play Mozart loudly, the talent will come. It doesn’t, but the results are fun.

9. The Mütter Museum

Originally, the College of Physicians of Philadelphia erected the Mütter Museum as a creative way to inform medical students and practicing physicians about some of the more unusual medical phenomena. (You know, babies with two heads, that sort of thing.) But today, it primarily serves as a popular spot for anyone interested in the grotesque. There, you’ll find the world’s largest colon, removed from a man who died—not surprisingly—of constipation. Also on display: an OB-GYN instrument collection, thousands of fluid-preserved anatomical and pathological specimens, and a large wall dedicated entirely to swallowed objects.

10. The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices

Take two trips to the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices and call us when you’ve lost all faith in the medical profession. Thanks to curator Bob McCoy (who has donated the collection to the Science Museum of Minnesota), those in search of history’s quack science can find what they’re looking for in the St. Paul tourist attraction, whether it’s a collection of 19th-century phrenology machines or some 1970s breast enlargers. If you make the trip, be sure to check out the 1930s McGregor Rejuvenator. This clever device required patrons to enclose their bodies, sans head, in a large tube where they were pounded with magnetic and radio waves in attempts to reverse the aging process.

11. Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum

So, what do you get when you combine the loneliness of a pet cemetery with the creepy flair of vaudeville? The Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum, of course—where dummies go to die. The Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, museum was the brainchild of the late William Shakespeare Berger, who founded the site as a home for retired wooden puppets. In fact, he collected figures from some of the country’s most famous ventriloquist acts. And with more than 700 dummies stacked from floor to ceiling, you’re bound to feel like you’re stuck inside a 1970s horror flick—albeit a really good one. But sadly, when Berger gave the tour, you could totally tell his mouth was moving.

12. The Trash Museum

Mom wasn’t kidding when she said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. At the Trash Museum in Hartford, the Connecticut Resources Recovery Authority (CRRA) turns garbage into 6,500 square feet of pure recycling entertainment! Tour the Temple of Trash or visit the old-fashioned town dump. And for your recycler-in-training, head down the street to the Children’s Garbage Museum, where you can take an educational stroll through the giant compost pile, get a glimpse of the 1-ton Trash-o-saurus, or enjoy the company of resident compost worms.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Felines in Mourning


It's been a difficult time for my fuzz family -- Socks, the former First Cat, had to be euthanized at age 20. Beanie and Ole felt Socks should've been allowed to live out his/her life in some kind of kitty hospice. I think Ole may be wearing a black arm band, but I can't tell 'cause she's all black...

Steve's mom will be here Tuesday for a little over a week. We really enjoy having her as a guest 'cause she totally takes care of herself. Before I'm even out of bed in the morning she's out walking to the mall, having lunch somewhere, doing a little shopping, getting her nails done, etc. We may take her to the Renaissance Festival in Tampa next weekend, weather permitting. She's anxious to play "Schizo" as she calls it (SkipBo) and so am I.

Here's Annie at 81 on her grandson's motorcycle!

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men .... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Original Hollywood Squares

Vintage Hollywood Squares Q&A
By: Ophelia Payne

These great questions and answers are from the days when The Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous (not scripted, as they are now); Peter Marshall was the host.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can't Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Greatgrandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


First published July 2008

The Do Not Call Registry

Funny Variations of the “Do Not Call” List
By: CarTango

Since the federal government implemented the national “Do Not Call List” a few years ago, I have happily seen a decrease in the number of solicitation calls that I receive. The program actually works. In light of this success, I think we should implement some other “Do Not” lists:

Do Not Disturb Before 9:30 a.m. on Saturdays

Under no circumstances, unless it entails a full-course breakfast being brought into the bedroom, should anyone on this list be disturbed prior to 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday. Most type-A personalities will be appalled that such a list could exist; but, I, for one, can’t wait to sign up.

Do Not Continue Reminding Me of My Unhealthy Eating Habits

Okay, I get the message. I am tired of most magazines, talk shows, and health news segments reminding me that many of my food choices are unhealthy. I totally recognize that there is much need for improvement but enough is enough already. All the guilt inspires me to do nothing but add another box of ice cream to my grocery cart. How ironic is it that I’m usually consuming some sort of contraband food while I’m reading said magazine articles or watching said television programs? Someone please pass the M&M’s!

Do Not Make Me Pay an ATM Charge

Even after all these years of ATM fees, I still struggle with understanding why I get charged for withdrawing my own money. I think we should support all those banks and credit unions that still have free ATM transactions—they are my financial heroes.

Do Not Make Me Exercise with the Fitness Gurus

I really believe gyms should divide their workout rooms into sections based on experience and fitness ability. It really isn’t very encouraging to get on a treadmill, set the level to the slowest possible and still end up gasping for every breath five minutes into my workout while the mega-in-shape people are to my right and left hammering out six minute miles without breaking a sweat. I think gyms should have a beginner room, an intermediate area, and an advanced workout room. They could host little graduation ceremonies as people progressed in their fitness level. Could we have M&M’s at my ceremony?

Presidential Poll Not Shocking

From CNN's Alan Silverleib

Historians have ranked Bush the seventh worst president.

(CNN) – It's been 145 years since he appeared on a ballot, but America's admiration for the man who saved the union and sparked the end of slavery is stronger than ever, according to a new presidential survey.

Abraham Lincoln finished first in a ranking by historians of the 42 former White House occupants released over Presidents Day weekend.

The news wasn't quite as good for the latest addition to the nation's most exclusive fraternity; George W. Bush finished 36th in the survey, narrowly edging out the likes of historical also-rans Millard Fillmore, Warren Harding and Franklin Pierce.

James Buchanan — the man who watched helplessly as the nation lurched toward civil war in the 1850s — finished last.

"As much as is possible, we created a poll that was non-partisan, judicious and fair minded," said Rice University professor Douglas Brinkley, who helped organize the survey of 65 historians for cable television network C-SPAN.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

That's Amore


When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

That's amore.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned

That's a moray.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged

That's our mores.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four

That's some more hay.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife

That's a Moor, eh?
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight

That's Sa...mur...ai.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I just want to say, "I Love You..."

English........... I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... lch Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian............. Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget

Greek............ S'Agapo

Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe

Irish.............. Thaim In Grabh Leat

Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh

Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Albanian....... Une Te Dua

Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua

Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum

Hungarian... Se Ret Lay

Persian....... Du Stet Daram

Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok

Catalan...... Testimo Molt

Redneck .... Nice Tits
*****************************************************
Of Men and Women

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy VD!

In the Middle Ages, one Valentine's Day custom was for young men and women to draw names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be.

They would then wear these names on their sleeves for one week."To wear your heart on your sleeve" now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Not Quite Calvin Klein's Obsession

Four Writers and Their Strange Obsessions

Posted by Stacy in Book & Lit, Neatorama Only on February 7, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Honore de Balzac - Caffeine

There are some of us - myself included - who consider themselves addicted to caffeine. I get headaches if I don’t have a Diet Coke or coffee early enough in the day, and I definitely get cranky. But that’s nothing compared to Honore de Balzac. The famous French author would drink up to fifty cups of coffee every single day. And not stuff watered down with milk and sugar and the like - nope, Balzac liked thick, black, Turkish coffee. If it was unavailable in liquid form, or if he didn’t want to wait for it, he simply popped a handful of beans into his mouth and chewed (yuck). It may have kept him up all hours so he could write fantastic and prolific works of literature, but it didn’t do him any favors in the health department: he suffered from stomach cramps, high blood pressure and an enlarged heart. Some reports say it was the coffee that killed him - ulcers ate completely through his stomach and he died from a combination of that and caffeine poisoning. Others say it merely contributed to his already not-health-conscious lifestyle: in addition to the coffee, he ate vast quantities of food and had quite the waistline. Either way, he died at the early age of 51 on August 18, 1850.

Charles Dickens - Morgues

Charles Dickens could not get enough of body bags and toe tags. “I am dragged by invisible force to the morgue,” he even admitted. He loved to go down to the city morgue and would just hang out there for days on end, watching new dead bodies come in and observing the people there working on them. He referred to the whole ordeal as “the attraction of repulsion.” I feel like there’s a joke in here somewhere about not being caught dead in a morgue, but I’ll go ahead and leave that one alone. Dickens also liked to check out famous murder scenes and try to analyze exactly what happened. Maybe he was just ahead of his time? I’m thinking a new TV series might be in order - CSI: Charles Dickens. I’d totally watch that.

James Joyce - Farts

I’ve written about his addictions before, but I’m strangely fascinated with his fascination. Although they didn’t really diagnose sex addiction at the time, I bet if James Joyce was around today he would be classified as one. He wrote hundreds of letters to his lover, Nora (who later became his wife), and spared no expense in the detail of what he wanted the two of them to do when they were together again. But oddly, he seemed to be most obsessed with her farts. It’s a repeated theme in his letters - here’s one example: “I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have.”

Ummm. Yeah.

Vachel Lindsay - Germs and Cleanliness

Poet Vachel Lindsay grew up listening to his physician dad extol the virtues of avoiding germs and disease by staying clean. Unfortunately, toward the end of his life, the idea started to consume him entirely. He thought his wife was trying to kill him by sleeping with other men and then purposely spreading venereal disease to him, and believed germs were almost certainly the cause of his writer’s block. On December 5, 1931, Lindsay rearranged the furniture in the living room after his wife went to bed. He sat in the middle of all of his accolades - newspaper clippings, awards and certificates - and gulped down a mug of Lysol. He ran through the house screaming, “I got them before they got me! Let them try to explain this, if they can.”

Our Famous Uncle

As fame goes, our Uncle Chuck got quite a bit more than his 15 minutes. He was one of the flag raisers at Iwo Jima and the last survivor of that historic event when he died in 2008. His wife, Violette, is our Dad's sister.
This is a statue of Chuck (Charles Lindberg, USMC) called "Honoring All Veterans Memorial" in Richfield's (Minnesota) Veterans Park dedicated July 4, 2008.

I can't say that I knew him very well since I was probably only in his company 10-20 times in my entire life, but our parents spent time with them fairly often on a social basis.

Chuck and Vi dined with several Presidents at the White House, the last being George Bush and wife Laura. I've always wondered what they talked about, what was on the menu, or if George seemed like he even had a brain in his head. Chuck was also cited in many books about World War II and spoke at tons of veterans' functions throughout his life.
This Veterans Monument in Rochester, Minnesota dedicated in 2001 features an etching of Chuck in the forefront.

Here's a photo of Chuck with Mom and Dad on each side of him at the library in East Grand Forks when he was the guest of honor.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Cholesterol Rising

The day after Steve caught the redfish I borrowed Brent's deep fryer. I prepared pancake batter and added some Old Bay and Emeril seasonings, dipped the fish in the batter, and fried it up. We had most of our neighbors in the apartment in no time, sort of an impromptu fish fry.

The next day I deep-fried chicken legs using mashed potato flakes as breading -- they were great! Also found a recipe for corn fritters on the computer -- Mom used to make these with supper when we were kids. I hardly had any chicken 'cause I was so busy woofing the fritters!


I think Steve would deep fry his breakfast cereal if he could find a way to do it. I've told him there will be no more deep frying until we get olive oil or some other oil that doesn't clog the arteries in a matter of minutes!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Hillbilly Kids?

This is Slug and I at Buckhorn Resort on Lake Andrusia in Minnesota. "Come and listen to my story 'bout a girl named Slug, and a poor Norske kid, Candy -- trying to fetch tonight's dinner." This is Steve's favorite photo of us. He says he expects Lucy and Ricky to step out of the car!



You can see our '57 Olds in the background -- this was the year Mike was born. Don't we look like waifs? Quite the fashion statement, eh?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

What If?

If Cain and Abel were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”

Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”

"If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

Little Tony

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Thought to Ponder

Every kind act, no matter how small, is like a pebble tossed into the pond of human caring, the rings reach out far beyond the point of impact; the action of our kind deed acts more kindly toward the people around them, those people act more kindly toward the people around them, and so it goes, on and on.